Its hard…. Friday, Nov 30 2007

I can’t believe that its really hard to try and understand how we all live…

Isn’t it too much to ask for when I ask for people around me not to be to prejudgmental, too self-conscious, too self-righteous, too self-possessive… and all that crappy “too + (insert @#$! adjective here)?

I’m so pissed today… CAN’T I LIVE MY LIFE in PEACE for the FIRST TIME IN 5 WEEKS? I mean… COME ON! What the hell? From one mess to another… and this time… it was my doing and I didn’t even know that everything’s my fault again… DO I HAVE THE INHERENT ABILITY of FUCKING EVERYTHING UP EVERYTIME AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT? COME ON. Fuck it out. Damn life. Damn this. Damn people. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

[Emotional overload]

IN OTHER NEWS:

1) Prima Donna clashes with Boy wonder. Mr. Incredible gets implicated. Prima Donna accuses Mr. Incredible of messing up with her date with Boy wonder. — Mr. Incredible is disallowed from contacting Boy wonder for any more missions. Prima Donna rallies support of public. Mr. Incredible didn’t know of his mistake until Boy Wonder managed to send a note to him. AS of NOW, Prima Donna is asking for a temporary restraining order for Boy Wonder to be not approached by Mr. Incredible for a redius of 10 meters. — Mr. Incredible is reportedly avoiding the public. Prima Donna and Boy Wonder are living their lives in separate ways… for now.

2) Athena finally allied herself with Mars after a grueling fight — the gods rejoiced as she announced this decision. Mars, reportedly, had been avoiding the limelight – we still don’t know how he’s reacting to this sudden change, but he’s been avoiding Athena more than before.

3) Moulin Rouge, Les Miserables and Grease are scheduled to play within the week. Cast members practice tirelessly. No one knows if the shows will be a success or not. These will be played in the New York Theater Festival. These plays beat out 7 other more  contenders for the said occasion. A contest will be held between New York and New Jersey, rivals in the said industry. The winning theatrical production will have the opportunity to go on a world tour.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes…”

I hope you know that.

<3

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35 days… Thursday, Nov 29 2007

I’ve kept silent for more or less, about 35 days…

I don’t know… A lot of things have happened since then… And now im just a bit confused… There are some things that I would like to express, but I know that keeping them to myself would be better for everyone else…

 Silence makes you reflect a lot… about yourself… about others… about truths that you realize that that’s just there… You start to question things that you’ve left unchecked for the longest time… you uncover regrets… ideas… concepts… that you’ve left behind…

I’m losing the very things I’ve come to love… and getting them back is either impossible or nearly takes all the effort and time…

I’m getting separated from my best friend; people are starting to create their walls… not to keep me out… but to keep themselves in…

Everyone’s too caught up with TRYING TO BE MATURE that they’re OVERLOOKING THEIR OWN IMMATURITIES.

A lot of people try to be someone not for who they are… but for how they want themselves to be…

>> I had a conversation with some friends yesterday… and things that I thought wer clearing up… just made me more dubious… I was made aware that people who are the most ambitious are:

1) HYPOCRITES.

2) CANNOT ACCEPT LOSSES.

3) SORE LOSERS.

4) HIGH PRIDE.

5)HIDE BEHIND FRIENDS.

6) REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FLAWS.

7) FAIL TO RECOGNISE THEIR FLAWS.

ALWAYS SEEM NOTICE THE FLAWS OF OTHERS.

9) TOO OVERBEARING.

10) TOO OVER-REACTING

11) TOO POSSESSIVE

12) TOO DRAMATIC

13) DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS

14) “NAGTATANIM NG GALIT.”

15) INCAPABLE of UPHOLDING THEIR WORD

The list goes on and on… but I’ll stop there. These are the TOP 15 most ANGERING characteristics of the ambitious. We’re all guilty of this… but what determines us is what we do to try and prevent ourselves from BEING THESE PEOPLE.

 >> IF I COULD KILL IN LAW… 5 people would’ve been dead by now

I’m just so stressed. I’d post again later.

FUCK it. DAMN this LIFE.

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The Tragedy-tional Life of Me Tuesday, Oct 23 2007

God. I wish I could give up writing. I wish I could give up my love for poetry. I wish I could give up AIDS (oh wait, shit. I can’t give that up.) I wish I could give up geom. A lot of things, GOD, I wish to give up.

There’s just so many things that’s going through my head right now. I want to do EVERYTHING at the same exact moment. There’s so many things I want to do that I don’t even have the courage of doing…

 Did you ever feel like you’ve been waiting for the rest of your life just to get to that point wherein the perfect disaster you’ve always pictured never to happpen… just did.

I’m hell confused right now.

But one thing’s for sure. I’ll never let go.

To whoever’s reading this. I can only think of two possible reactions to this post — Apalled, because I’m being so melodramatic… or Relieved, that I finally get the picture of my life.

Amidst everything – Every single emo-drenched word I write in here… I’m still smiling. Smiling at the possible fact that I’ll finally be able to say what I truly feel.

~ to hope.

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The Great Tragedies Tuesday, Oct 23 2007

I was reading up on some Greek mythologoy today. Among all stories, I found this bittersweet one as the most satirical of them all.

Here’s the summary::

[FACTS to SET STRAIGHT :: 1) The promise of the gods always HAS to  be fulfilled no matter how much they want to let go of it even if it's for the better. 2) The true form is a light so immense that it can instantly kill a mortal with it's magnificent brilliance]

Zeus had this blossoming relationship with a mortal woman, who was the fairest in all the land. Hera, Zeus’s legitimate wife, became jealous because she sensed that Zeus always spent so much time with the mortal woman. Zeus always took on a form of a human in the presence of the mortal woman.

One day, Hera transformed herself into a woman seer. She came to the dwelling of the mortal woman and asked her about how she (being the fairest in the land) had still not a companion in life. The mortal woman explained that she had a relationship with the almighty Zeus.

Hera, then said, “what proof of this have you got?” The only thing the mortal woman could do was to shake her head, since she didn’t have any proof. “Why don’t you ask him to show you his true form? That way, you’ll know if he’s for real or not.” With this, Hera went away, a formidable smile was on her face.

Some time later, Zeus went to see his mortal sweetheart, only to find her down and low. He asked her what the matter was, and she said that she didn’t believe if he was really THE REAL Zeus. To console her, Zeus gave a god’s promise that whatever she pleases will be granted. She told Zeus exactly what Hera told her.

Zeus frowned. He knew that she would perish if he did that, but he had no choice. He transformed into the brilliant light he truly is; this, sadly immediately sent his sweetheart to her untimely demise.

I don’t know. It’s something I really admire about satires — they’re timeless and comparable to every generation of humankind. I get the message of this story — I hope you did to. 

Anyway… haha, my day today ::

at 12 a.m. I was still cramming over my chem. make-up work. I reviewed like for an hour. Slept at 3a.m.

Woke up by 6:40, left home at around 7:05… got to school by 7:30.

Chem. periodical was so-so.

CLE periodical was bittersweet.

I ate. Reviewed a LOT of geom. stayed in school with nina until… 12:30 or so.

Went to SM — ate again. Went home.

Wrote this entry.

The End.

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Bittersweet Sunday, Oct 21 2007

Today, I’ve started writing a new [possibly, the one I'll finish] manuscript which I’ll dedicate to my best friend.

Anyway, I started this day in such a daze, savouring every moment of sleep I can get. My whole room was cluttered, as I just lay down my bed, looking at the ceiling. I had a lot to do today. I had to study, I had to go back to the wake, I had to make lakad my sister’s parish involvement forms, I had to finish my homeworks, I had to finish re-organizing my mini-library… and so much other SHIT [Schoolwork, Homework and other Important Things] *props go to gie for this acro*

The morning was a complete blur. My shoulder was hurting, and I mistook it for HBP. I got up, took a bath, got dressed and waited EONS for my mom and sister. Called up Fefy about some parish info. Bottom line. I’m not going to Don Bosco, so it was smooth sailing to the wake, with my books. [lol]

When I got there, I was alone. Turns out that Ava and Ras had been there. Norence opened my bag and got my GEOMETRY book and my CANTERBURY TALES book and we studied. YES, in CAPITAL LETTERS… S-T-U-D-I-E-D. Anyway. some time later, Kaecy arrived and we got to talk about some stuff and then we WALKED all the way to Norence’s condo unit in Galleria where we just told Noreen that her classmates were there. We went back to the chapels after [and thanked norence for the cardio]. More talking, kaecy left [SK Chairwoman - SURE WIN]. I remained there, talking about random school stuff. Anyway… Ms. Reyes arrived, consoled Norence, and stayed there for like half an hour. We talked about the details for tomorrow’s class visit… and… she left… I left… I ate… went home… hit the on button on the computer…  wrote this entry… I’m making my english journal… I feel so tired…

Oh yea, so just you know. I didn’t study for any subject today. I didn’t finish any book today. I did absolutely NOTHING but to text, text, text, eat, go to the wake, eat, text, text, text, eat, text, text, walk, drink, walk, eat, text, text, text, eat, computer, computer, eat, computer. I’m so pissed off with my current lifestyle. I need to re-model it soon. I’m in dire need of ET. SHIT

So… I’m still not done with my SHIT. Better get some shut-eye too.

Celebriamo Vita,

Amici

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Dispatched. Never JUST another word. Saturday, Oct 20 2007

This picture made me cry. I couldn’t imagine this happening to me.

Dispatched is not a common word. It’s ofter associated with the feeling and act of escaping this reality. Ultimately, this word often denotes the departing of one’s soul.The language, history, etymology and other aesthetic crap about it… doesn’t matter now. Never did I imagine that I’d be using this word in a non-joking way. Today’s the day everything starts to change –  it’s not about whether it was his or me… who was affected the most… all that matters, i guess is that we all are affected. All in entirely infinitely possible ways.

I slept last night at aobut 10 PM or so… Already in my mind was the worst possible scenario… but further resigning myself that “the worst will never come to happen.”

It was 2 a.m. when they found it. Tita Norly was there. She saw it. I couldn’t imagine what my reaction would be if I was ever put into that kind of situation. I was sound asleep, dreaming fondly of future things.

Around eight in the morning, my cellphone was ringing. It was on the far side of my room. I was too lazy to get it… but somehow, I still did. Written in big bold capital letters: “Calling… Norence Tan”

The first words I heard were my name… “Rastine, rastine, rastine.” Followed by… “wala na siya… wala na dad ko…” then broken strings of sobs flooded the line. “Di ko matanggap…” and the crying continued to flow. I was there, standing in disbelief, finally fully awake. My mouth was open, I didn’t know what to say. I felt so damned NOT KNOWING what to say. “Baka di nako makatapos ng pag-aaral sa CSA.” I said,
“Hindi yan! Be strong! We’ll help you! Kaya natin to.” I was again, in silence, and he was back to crying. Then he said that he had to go… and the line went dead.

The first thing that came to my mind was this: “Shit”

I didn’t anymore question the credibility of what he just said. Nobody would joke about something as serious as that.

The previous oblivious thoughts about my rantings about my weight, wanting to go to the gym… studying… finaly reading my schoolbooks… finally went dead. There was absolutely something that coursed through my brain. It told me to stop thinking about these things…

Online, I read several articles. I texted, called, IMed a lot of people. The tears were running down my eyes, and continued to do so as they showed no signs of stopping. I asked gie if we could ask ms. reyes if we could go to the wake, which ms. reyes is trying to pursue right now.

I informed a lot, consoled a lot, and assured a lot of people about their emotional outbursts.

I guess the only thing now to do was to pray continuously.

Norence :: “I’m assuring you that my prayers, and my support will always be behind you. No matter what happens, you are my one and only best friend.”

Tita Norly :: “I just don’t know what to say… My condolences. You’ll be able to get through this. You’re strong. Me and my family will be here, supporting with prayers. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

The rest of the family :: “You guys will get through this. Be strong. Have faith. Pray.”

To his friends, my friends :: “We have to be there. All the support, the love, the prayers. Everything.”

“It’s not the matter of why and how he died… just think of how and why he lived.”

My prayers, condolences to their family, and to the families of those other people who have died in this incident.

I have my violent reactions… but I just don’t have the energy to do so…

I don’t know.

I’m grieving…

I just have to be alone for now…

“Live and Celebrate Everyday”

Celebriamo Vita.

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I should be dead by now. Seriously. Friday, Oct 19 2007

It’s a long post. Bear with me. Please. It may be the last post im going to make.

Morning. Usual bullshit… worrying too much into getting to school early, not minding much anything about the world.

I smiled a bit. Got in the car, looked outside. It was one of the first days this entire month that we (mom, sister, me) had any morning arguments. It was a good start of the day.

I walked to the classroom in my usual “christmas tree” get-up (with a LOT of stuff, as usual.) Three people were in my way as i got into the classroom. I didn’t remember who they were… coz’ i was probably too busy thinking of the things that happened the previous day.

Ms. Reyes did a quick classroom clean-up. Sir Panis made us do some things in Visual B. and he asked some of us if we wanted to go to school on some saturday to make programs for the AcadWeek II exhibit. We said, sure. [haha, happiness is going to school on some saturday]

The day went by quickly. Deadly and killer Social SW. Chem make my BP go up – honestly… I got like 61.5/80 on that crappy LT. Hey, at least i didn’t fail. English — a boring review of on of grammar’s most fundamental subjects. Ms. Reyes asked for my Canterbury HW, which i gave up whole-heartedly. [That's something good, I guess.]

I crashed the SAC meeting during lunch. I want to join Mondialogo badly. [Think of -- "Parisian" or "British" friend-making.] Went ”spotting” and continued reading ”Diary.”

Math came, gave a seatwork and it conquered me. God!  [SW 5 = 17/22] [SW6 = 1/10]. My BP sky-rocketed again. Come HE, the usual headache, with as much love for my groupmates. IN the end, we got like… Php 3500 [like Php 500 more than our capital].

Announcements in the PA system…

Explosion in Glorietta… Effects:

>> That meant that we had to go home. So I had to trash “unwinding”

>> Panic. Sadness. Feeling of insecurity.

>> Norence’s dad went missing. [He'll be found, all safe and sound]

>> Worrying about a multitude of people.

I bonded with some 3C people after HE… it was fun. Got to spill out my deep-dark-secret [shit, by the way]… while my sister was flirting with Cholo Villanueva.

Went home with mom, passed by the area of the incident. [Too depressing to describe]

Called Norence, started praying.

Wrote this post.

I grew fatter today. I ate a lot. Shit.

I feel weird. No sleep for 3 nights in a row. My BP’s skyrocketing, my metabolism is slowing. I want to go to the gym tomorrow.

 Thinking ::

>> I should’ve been there. With gie and benj. If we had been dismissed any earlier, i don’t know what would’ve happened. I love GOD so much especially for the ways He’s always there for us. Thank you.

 Again, “life’s too damn short — start living each day as it is your last. You never know when you’ll be back with Him. Pray always that this day, you’re still here. Appreciate and CELEBRATE EVERYDAY.”

 Chuck Palahniuk kind of rocks, at this point at my reading his book.

Amici.

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Animosity Thursday, Oct 18 2007

Just want to get this load off my chest.

Don’t mind people. Never do.

If they mind you, still — don’t mind them.

Only mind them if you feel that they feel that you’re angry at them.

A pat in the back is all it takes. Remain indifferent, avoid meddling. Talk to a wall.

There’s so much in the world for me to care about. It’ll never be the same around you.

Amici

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QT # 1 Thursday, Oct 18 2007

“When you fall, stand up. Don’t be as stupid as to just stay there on the ground.”

Simply put, recognize our mistakes — and do something about it. Don’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.

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Living this day entirely on adrenaline Thursday, Oct 18 2007

It’s nothing much of a diffeent day really. Haha… I’m officially writing on a blog, which is nice [I guess]. Anyway… Today was another day in the life of this pessimist.

I woke up, got dressed, nearly killed my sister for almost making me get late again… Went in the classroom… greeted Gie who let me borrow her book “Diary” by Chuck Palahniuk.

Chem was first period. A memory game… with my “Chem. Varsity” mates… Nothing went into my head. English… hahahaha, I got a sixteen out of fifteen in that quiz. I didn’t study. Discussed the usual stuff, and that obnoxious homework.

Come recess, I tried to read that book, only to be distracted by the smell of FOOD. Filipino time, tripping session, nothing also went into my head. Computer — PT… haha, I didn’t study and it landed me with a near-above-average-mediocre-work. Who cares, anyway?

 Lunch, APAC meeting — got an XL sized shirt… laughing at the thought that the Large my “SPBF” (Self-proclaimed Best Friend) would just barely fit him. Anyway, I stayed with “her” allthroughout lunch, trying to read the same book  — a funny thing about a boar and a hog.

 Come math time, I was completely delusional. I think that we were discussing the pythagorean theorem… SW tomorrow — better light up some candles in church tomorrow morning.

Research time — completely a BLUR. Gosh… I kept on answering her questions… I mean, It’s not my fault that I have answers to her questions… and then a bloody homework.

RHGP rocked out — 6 legged race rocked. We got 5th place… haha (out of 5, by the way).

Went to SM to buy HE stuff… and got my waiver FINALLY photocopied.

Went home.

I feel tired. I feel wasted. I haven’t slept more over 4 hours over the past 2 days. GOD

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Random-ness is much appreciated.

I’m angry at a certain someone today. That person’s a “he.” [hahaha]

I guess that’s it.

Amici

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