Its hard…. Friday, Nov 30 2007

I can’t believe that its really hard to try and understand how we all live…

Isn’t it too much to ask for when I ask for people around me not to be to prejudgmental, too self-conscious, too self-righteous, too self-possessive… and all that crappy “too + (insert @#$! adjective here)?

I’m so pissed today… CAN’T I LIVE MY LIFE in PEACE for the FIRST TIME IN 5 WEEKS? I mean… COME ON! What the hell? From one mess to another… and this time… it was my doing and I didn’t even know that everything’s my fault again… DO I HAVE THE INHERENT ABILITY of FUCKING EVERYTHING UP EVERYTIME AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT? COME ON. Fuck it out. Damn life. Damn this. Damn people. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

[Emotional overload]

IN OTHER NEWS:

1) Prima Donna clashes with Boy wonder. Mr. Incredible gets implicated. Prima Donna accuses Mr. Incredible of messing up with her date with Boy wonder. — Mr. Incredible is disallowed from contacting Boy wonder for any more missions. Prima Donna rallies support of public. Mr. Incredible didn’t know of his mistake until Boy Wonder managed to send a note to him. AS of NOW, Prima Donna is asking for a temporary restraining order for Boy Wonder to be not approached by Mr. Incredible for a redius of 10 meters. — Mr. Incredible is reportedly avoiding the public. Prima Donna and Boy Wonder are living their lives in separate ways… for now.

2) Athena finally allied herself with Mars after a grueling fight — the gods rejoiced as she announced this decision. Mars, reportedly, had been avoiding the limelight – we still don’t know how he’s reacting to this sudden change, but he’s been avoiding Athena more than before.

3) Moulin Rouge, Les Miserables and Grease are scheduled to play within the week. Cast members practice tirelessly. No one knows if the shows will be a success or not. These will be played in the New York Theater Festival. These plays beat out 7 other more  contenders for the said occasion. A contest will be held between New York and New Jersey, rivals in the said industry. The winning theatrical production will have the opportunity to go on a world tour.

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“Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes…”

I hope you know that.

<3

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35 days… Thursday, Nov 29 2007

I’ve kept silent for more or less, about 35 days…

I don’t know… A lot of things have happened since then… And now im just a bit confused… There are some things that I would like to express, but I know that keeping them to myself would be better for everyone else…

 Silence makes you reflect a lot… about yourself… about others… about truths that you realize that that’s just there… You start to question things that you’ve left unchecked for the longest time… you uncover regrets… ideas… concepts… that you’ve left behind…

I’m losing the very things I’ve come to love… and getting them back is either impossible or nearly takes all the effort and time…

I’m getting separated from my best friend; people are starting to create their walls… not to keep me out… but to keep themselves in…

Everyone’s too caught up with TRYING TO BE MATURE that they’re OVERLOOKING THEIR OWN IMMATURITIES.

A lot of people try to be someone not for who they are… but for how they want themselves to be…

>> I had a conversation with some friends yesterday… and things that I thought wer clearing up… just made me more dubious… I was made aware that people who are the most ambitious are:

1) HYPOCRITES.

2) CANNOT ACCEPT LOSSES.

3) SORE LOSERS.

4) HIGH PRIDE.

5)HIDE BEHIND FRIENDS.

6) REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FLAWS.

7) FAIL TO RECOGNISE THEIR FLAWS.

ALWAYS SEEM NOTICE THE FLAWS OF OTHERS.

9) TOO OVERBEARING.

10) TOO OVER-REACTING

11) TOO POSSESSIVE

12) TOO DRAMATIC

13) DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS

14) “NAGTATANIM NG GALIT.”

15) INCAPABLE of UPHOLDING THEIR WORD

The list goes on and on… but I’ll stop there. These are the TOP 15 most ANGERING characteristics of the ambitious. We’re all guilty of this… but what determines us is what we do to try and prevent ourselves from BEING THESE PEOPLE.

 >> IF I COULD KILL IN LAW… 5 people would’ve been dead by now

I’m just so stressed. I’d post again later.

FUCK it. DAMN this LIFE.

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The Tragedy-tional Life of Me Tuesday, Oct 23 2007

God. I wish I could give up writing. I wish I could give up my love for poetry. I wish I could give up AIDS (oh wait, shit. I can’t give that up.) I wish I could give up geom. A lot of things, GOD, I wish to give up.

There’s just so many things that’s going through my head right now. I want to do EVERYTHING at the same exact moment. There’s so many things I want to do that I don’t even have the courage of doing…

 Did you ever feel like you’ve been waiting for the rest of your life just to get to that point wherein the perfect disaster you’ve always pictured never to happpen… just did.

I’m hell confused right now.

But one thing’s for sure. I’ll never let go.

To whoever’s reading this. I can only think of two possible reactions to this post — Apalled, because I’m being so melodramatic… or Relieved, that I finally get the picture of my life.

Amidst everything – Every single emo-drenched word I write in here… I’m still smiling. Smiling at the possible fact that I’ll finally be able to say what I truly feel.

~ to hope.

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Dispatched. Never JUST another word. Saturday, Oct 20 2007

This picture made me cry. I couldn’t imagine this happening to me.

Dispatched is not a common word. It’s ofter associated with the feeling and act of escaping this reality. Ultimately, this word often denotes the departing of one’s soul.The language, history, etymology and other aesthetic crap about it… doesn’t matter now. Never did I imagine that I’d be using this word in a non-joking way. Today’s the day everything starts to change –  it’s not about whether it was his or me… who was affected the most… all that matters, i guess is that we all are affected. All in entirely infinitely possible ways.

I slept last night at aobut 10 PM or so… Already in my mind was the worst possible scenario… but further resigning myself that “the worst will never come to happen.”

It was 2 a.m. when they found it. Tita Norly was there. She saw it. I couldn’t imagine what my reaction would be if I was ever put into that kind of situation. I was sound asleep, dreaming fondly of future things.

Around eight in the morning, my cellphone was ringing. It was on the far side of my room. I was too lazy to get it… but somehow, I still did. Written in big bold capital letters: “Calling… Norence Tan”

The first words I heard were my name… “Rastine, rastine, rastine.” Followed by… “wala na siya… wala na dad ko…” then broken strings of sobs flooded the line. “Di ko matanggap…” and the crying continued to flow. I was there, standing in disbelief, finally fully awake. My mouth was open, I didn’t know what to say. I felt so damned NOT KNOWING what to say. “Baka di nako makatapos ng pag-aaral sa CSA.” I said,
“Hindi yan! Be strong! We’ll help you! Kaya natin to.” I was again, in silence, and he was back to crying. Then he said that he had to go… and the line went dead.

The first thing that came to my mind was this: “Shit”

I didn’t anymore question the credibility of what he just said. Nobody would joke about something as serious as that.

The previous oblivious thoughts about my rantings about my weight, wanting to go to the gym… studying… finaly reading my schoolbooks… finally went dead. There was absolutely something that coursed through my brain. It told me to stop thinking about these things…

Online, I read several articles. I texted, called, IMed a lot of people. The tears were running down my eyes, and continued to do so as they showed no signs of stopping. I asked gie if we could ask ms. reyes if we could go to the wake, which ms. reyes is trying to pursue right now.

I informed a lot, consoled a lot, and assured a lot of people about their emotional outbursts.

I guess the only thing now to do was to pray continuously.

Norence :: “I’m assuring you that my prayers, and my support will always be behind you. No matter what happens, you are my one and only best friend.”

Tita Norly :: “I just don’t know what to say… My condolences. You’ll be able to get through this. You’re strong. Me and my family will be here, supporting with prayers. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

The rest of the family :: “You guys will get through this. Be strong. Have faith. Pray.”

To his friends, my friends :: “We have to be there. All the support, the love, the prayers. Everything.”

“It’s not the matter of why and how he died… just think of how and why he lived.”

My prayers, condolences to their family, and to the families of those other people who have died in this incident.

I have my violent reactions… but I just don’t have the energy to do so…

I don’t know.

I’m grieving…

I just have to be alone for now…

“Live and Celebrate Everyday”

Celebriamo Vita.

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Animosity Thursday, Oct 18 2007

Just want to get this load off my chest.

Don’t mind people. Never do.

If they mind you, still — don’t mind them.

Only mind them if you feel that they feel that you’re angry at them.

A pat in the back is all it takes. Remain indifferent, avoid meddling. Talk to a wall.

There’s so much in the world for me to care about. It’ll never be the same around you.

Amici

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