Something surreal… Monday, Jan 14 2008 

1 am. I was studying the basic trigonometric functions. The day started so wildly out of picture. Nobody knew what to expect.

 I told myself that life is so wonderful.

Not…

__________________________________________________________

I got remarkably high scores in my first quizzes. (Chem : 21/20, Fil 17+__ / 20+ ___). We had a math sw and a CLE seatwork.

For some apparent reason, three of our teachers weren’t there for the classes today. Uhm… I just noticed. I pointed it out… So kill me.

Club time. Wow. Club time. Impeccably interesting.

Dismissal — can someone please just put a bullet through my head already?

_____________________________________________________________

 Seriously. I’m going to stag (i wish it’ll change. gosh). I even feel like not going. I mean its just another dance and time to socialize… goodness, as if people don’t already have too much to think of.

Im completely and utterly hopeless. I’m dying and i dont even want to know about it.

:(

I’m so down right now. I’m browsing clothes for a potential prom disaster.

.:.

New Year. Fresh Start. [Part 1] Monday, Dec 31 2007 

Revisiting My 5 Greatest Griefs of 2007

1)

It was like… August or September. I asked at least ten people if they were real friends.

All of them had a recurring “yes” for a reply, and assured me that they’d be there, no matter whenever, whatever and whoever comes into the picture.

Of those people. I’ve had the greatest disappointments this year.

It’s just so sad, to ask for something that should be given unconditionally and voluntarily.

These people know who they are.

I was disappointed… sorry for being dramatic, but everytime someone does something to me of that magnitude… I just keep on thinking that other people might do it to me too. If you treat me like garbage, like a left-over piece of meat… then why not them?

I wasn’y angry. For the grief and disgust that I must’ve caused you, I apologize.

A New Year. A Fresh Start. — This isn’t just for me, mates.

Live Like You Mean It, Be True Friends and Don’t Fake It. I’ll always be here, even if you guys won’t

2)

The Great Pretenders

People who caused people so kind of pain, and then goes on with their lives as thought nothing happens… seeks refuge in them if something happens, and then still continue on as if nothign happened.

You know what. Please stop.

I used to think that it’s all my fault.

For not being good enough. For not being just enough to suit who you are and who the people around you are.

I think, this year. I’m past that now.

I’ll leave you behind. I’m keeping from growing because I always think of these people.

They don’t value me enough as to apologize to me if they’d done something wrong… but they just have to repeat what they did to me.

You still matter to me, whoever you people are. But what doesn’t matter is what you do. I’m sick and tired. All this energy I spent trying to make you realize… is just… wasted.

:( [Live on. Don't Change. Then Die Immediately]

3)

The Second Options

I’m not a second option.

It’s either you choose me the first time, or to never at all.

I might sound all proud, but nobody really wants to be the “fallback”

We want to be liked for who we are, not just because people are forced to like us, for their sake.

One word for you people… “USERS” (this actually brings us to…)

4)

…USER-FRIENDLY

I resent what you make of me, but i still don’t blame you.

After all, that’s the purpose of friends, isn’t it? Use them, in hopes that someday, they’ll be of some use to you.

Get a move on mate; You’re going to lose this battle.

5)

 Dictators

Love is one thing. Authority is another.

Just don’t act accding to what the person you love or what the person you work for thinks of me.

You are a human being, and the least you could do is to weigh things first with yourself. It’s not that they think me as a piece of crap, that you have to think that same thing of me.

You have you’re own outlook. You have you’re own life.

Don’t let them dictate what you think.

You’ll lose yourself.

When you lose yourself… Then I can’t trust you anymore that you’ll be there for me… to trust me.

Loser. Sociopath. You bloody git.

AND… (extra)

Myself.

I don’t know why, but I’m acting all too much of everything.

I’ll change. I should. I will.

The Top 10(or more) Friends I Care the MOST About

1) Norence Aaron P. Tan — even though you’re there, you’re the only one i’m ever going to confess my whole self to. Nobody else will ever get to know me and to USE me as much as you. For you, I am eternally greatful.

2) Danielle Magpantay & Ava Pacleb — when Norence left, you guys were the ones who listened to me. All those moments i spent with you guys… you listening to my unending emotional ranting… Just… I’m really really grateful for that.

3) Benjamin Marinas — trust me when I say this. I’ve been sometimes a git to you… and I apologize for that… but you’re part of the very few guys in class,.. who really speak their mind… and has their own conviction. You have everythign to be proud for. Don’t think of what they’re saying behind your back… or the disappointments they bring you. Just this :: People are only worth it if they fall in sympathy for you. If they simply don’t care… then you might as well drop them. (blunt. tactless, i know. But its the truth)

4) Eduardo Gaspar — it’s nice to have gotten to know you more this year. Great guy. Speaks his mind… blunt, honest, and always surprisingly tactful with words. You don’t let your emotions get a hold of what is expected of you. ONly one thing… please be more of an optimist. :)

5) Giselle Jose — i’ve been a real pain and a disappointment. But trust me. You’re the only one who made me change things about me that I didnt even bother to think of before. You’re a great person. You should know that. :) [AIDS -- i wish this was back], [ET,QT,RT -- i still wish that we could do these things ESPECIALLY R.T.]

6) Amanda Palileo — You. I can’t even describe in my big arsenal of words how much i’m grateful for you. You’ve been there… all the time… but I wasn’t just maybe listening. I promise to do better. :)

 7) Janine Noblezada, Shairra Bello, Racela Abundo, Bea Ragasa (the Malditas) — I love you guys so much. to nine, shai and ras. That conversation we had in Serendra saved my periodical exams. (really… I was so depressed that I really didn’t have any intention of even reviewing). Bea Ragasa. Thanks a lot… for Props… for everything. You’ve been great… :) <3 You four!

8) Noel Hingco, Stephan Domingo, Ed Concepcion, Francis Dimagiba, Joshua Magsombol, Karl  Gaverza, Sanjeev Gangwani, Miguel Perez, Joshua Lim — listening ears. Advice-givers. Palm-reader. You guys are the best. :)

9) The Amazing Jorja Pajares, Jodi Llanto, Bernadette Santua, Celina Hermogenes — <3 HE groupmates. hahaha. You are the most impressive, most best group I’ve ever had. :)

10) Andrea Alonzo, Andrea Altarejos, Kaecy Dandan — thanks. I appreciate the laughs. All the laughs. All the thoughts. All the chats. :) I am grateful.

 Top 30 Songs

1) The Great Escape — Boys Like Girls 

2) Heels on Head — Boys Like Girls

3) Bubbly — Colbie Calliat

4) HeroHeroine — Boys Like Girls

5) On Top of the World — Boys Like Girls

6) Before Its Too Late — The Goo Goo Dolls

7) Your Guardian Angel — Red Jumpsuit Appratus

8) Misery Business — Paramore

9) How Far We’ve Come — Matchbox Twenty

10) I’m Like a Lawyer With the Way… (Me+You) — Fall Out Boy

11) Comatose — Skillet (props to Dani M.)

12) Delilah — Plain White Ts

13) The Take Over, the Break’s Over — Fall Out Boy

14) Thnks fr th Mmrs — Fall Out Boy

15) How to Save a Life — The Fray

16) Over My Head — The Fray

17) This is My Now — Jordin Sparks

18) Clothes Off — Gym Class Heroes

19) Tattoo — Jordin Sparks

20) When I’m Gone — Simple Plan

Top 5 Soundtrack Musical Scores

1) The Devil Wears Prada Suite (The Devil Wears Prada) – Theodore Shapiro

2) Attack on Dollet (Final Fantasy VIII) — Nobuo Uematsu

3) Sayuri’s Theme (Memoirs of a Geisha) — John Williams

4) Gladiator Theme (Gladiator) — ?

5) Lord Of the Rings Themes (Lord of the Rings Trilogy) — ?

Top 5 Single Male Artists

1) Josh Groban

2) John Meyer

3) John Legend

4) Enrique Iglesias

5) Andrea Bocelli

Its hard…. Friday, Nov 30 2007 

I can’t believe that its really hard to try and understand how we all live…

Isn’t it too much to ask for when I ask for people around me not to be to prejudgmental, too self-conscious, too self-righteous, too self-possessive… and all that crappy “too + (insert @#$! adjective here)?

I’m so pissed today… CAN’T I LIVE MY LIFE in PEACE for the FIRST TIME IN 5 WEEKS? I mean… COME ON! What the hell? From one mess to another… and this time… it was my doing and I didn’t even know that everything’s my fault again… DO I HAVE THE INHERENT ABILITY of FUCKING EVERYTHING UP EVERYTIME AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT? COME ON. Fuck it out. Damn life. Damn this. Damn people. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

[Emotional overload]

IN OTHER NEWS:

1) Prima Donna clashes with Boy wonder. Mr. Incredible gets implicated. Prima Donna accuses Mr. Incredible of messing up with her date with Boy wonder. — Mr. Incredible is disallowed from contacting Boy wonder for any more missions. Prima Donna rallies support of public. Mr. Incredible didn’t know of his mistake until Boy Wonder managed to send a note to him. AS of NOW, Prima Donna is asking for a temporary restraining order for Boy Wonder to be not approached by Mr. Incredible for a redius of 10 meters. — Mr. Incredible is reportedly avoiding the public. Prima Donna and Boy Wonder are living their lives in separate ways… for now.

2) Athena finally allied herself with Mars after a grueling fight — the gods rejoiced as she announced this decision. Mars, reportedly, had been avoiding the limelight – we still don’t know how he’s reacting to this sudden change, but he’s been avoiding Athena more than before.

3) Moulin Rouge, Les Miserables and Grease are scheduled to play within the week. Cast members practice tirelessly. No one knows if the shows will be a success or not. These will be played in the New York Theater Festival. These plays beat out 7 other more  contenders for the said occasion. A contest will be held between New York and New Jersey, rivals in the said industry. The winning theatrical production will have the opportunity to go on a world tour.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes…”

I hope you know that.

<3

35 days… Thursday, Nov 29 2007 

I’ve kept silent for more or less, about 35 days…

I don’t know… A lot of things have happened since then… And now im just a bit confused… There are some things that I would like to express, but I know that keeping them to myself would be better for everyone else…

 Silence makes you reflect a lot… about yourself… about others… about truths that you realize that that’s just there… You start to question things that you’ve left unchecked for the longest time… you uncover regrets… ideas… concepts… that you’ve left behind…

I’m losing the very things I’ve come to love… and getting them back is either impossible or nearly takes all the effort and time…

I’m getting separated from my best friend; people are starting to create their walls… not to keep me out… but to keep themselves in…

Everyone’s too caught up with TRYING TO BE MATURE that they’re OVERLOOKING THEIR OWN IMMATURITIES.

A lot of people try to be someone not for who they are… but for how they want themselves to be…

>> I had a conversation with some friends yesterday… and things that I thought wer clearing up… just made me more dubious… I was made aware that people who are the most ambitious are:

1) HYPOCRITES.

2) CANNOT ACCEPT LOSSES.

3) SORE LOSERS.

4) HIGH PRIDE.

5)HIDE BEHIND FRIENDS.

6) REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FLAWS.

7) FAIL TO RECOGNISE THEIR FLAWS.

8) ALWAYS SEEM NOTICE THE FLAWS OF OTHERS.

9) TOO OVERBEARING.

10) TOO OVER-REACTING

11) TOO POSSESSIVE

12) TOO DRAMATIC

13) DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS

14) “NAGTATANIM NG GALIT.”

15) INCAPABLE of UPHOLDING THEIR WORD

The list goes on and on… but I’ll stop there. These are the TOP 15 most ANGERING characteristics of the ambitious. We’re all guilty of this… but what determines us is what we do to try and prevent ourselves from BEING THESE PEOPLE.

 >> IF I COULD KILL IN LAW… 5 people would’ve been dead by now

I’m just so stressed. I’d post again later.

FUCK it. DAMN this LIFE.

The Tragedy-tional Life of Me Tuesday, Oct 23 2007 

God. I wish I could give up writing. I wish I could give up my love for poetry. I wish I could give up AIDS (oh wait, shit. I can’t give that up.) I wish I could give up geom. A lot of things, GOD, I wish to give up.

There’s just so many things that’s going through my head right now. I want to do EVERYTHING at the same exact moment. There’s so many things I want to do that I don’t even have the courage of doing…

 Did you ever feel like you’ve been waiting for the rest of your life just to get to that point wherein the perfect disaster you’ve always pictured never to happpen… just did.

I’m hell confused right now.

But one thing’s for sure. I’ll never let go.

To whoever’s reading this. I can only think of two possible reactions to this post — Apalled, because I’m being so melodramatic… or Relieved, that I finally get the picture of my life.

Amidst everything – Every single emo-drenched word I write in here… I’m still smiling. Smiling at the possible fact that I’ll finally be able to say what I truly feel.

~ to hope.

The Great Tragedies Tuesday, Oct 23 2007 

I was reading up on some Greek mythologoy today. Among all stories, I found this bittersweet one as the most satirical of them all.

Here’s the summary::

[FACTS to SET STRAIGHT :: 1) The promise of the gods always HAS to  be fulfilled no matter how much they want to let go of it even if it's for the better. 2) The true form is a light so immense that it can instantly kill a mortal with it's magnificent brilliance]

Zeus had this blossoming relationship with a mortal woman, who was the fairest in all the land. Hera, Zeus’s legitimate wife, became jealous because she sensed that Zeus always spent so much time with the mortal woman. Zeus always took on a form of a human in the presence of the mortal woman.

One day, Hera transformed herself into a woman seer. She came to the dwelling of the mortal woman and asked her about how she (being the fairest in the land) had still not a companion in life. The mortal woman explained that she had a relationship with the almighty Zeus.

Hera, then said, “what proof of this have you got?” The only thing the mortal woman could do was to shake her head, since she didn’t have any proof. “Why don’t you ask him to show you his true form? That way, you’ll know if he’s for real or not.” With this, Hera went away, a formidable smile was on her face.

Some time later, Zeus went to see his mortal sweetheart, only to find her down and low. He asked her what the matter was, and she said that she didn’t believe if he was really THE REAL Zeus. To console her, Zeus gave a god’s promise that whatever she pleases will be granted. She told Zeus exactly what Hera told her.

Zeus frowned. He knew that she would perish if he did that, but he had no choice. He transformed into the brilliant light he truly is; this, sadly immediately sent his sweetheart to her untimely demise.

I don’t know. It’s something I really admire about satires — they’re timeless and comparable to every generation of humankind. I get the message of this story — I hope you did to. 

Anyway… haha, my day today ::

at 12 a.m. I was still cramming over my chem. make-up work. I reviewed like for an hour. Slept at 3a.m.

Woke up by 6:40, left home at around 7:05… got to school by 7:30.

Chem. periodical was so-so.

CLE periodical was bittersweet.

I ate. Reviewed a LOT of geom. stayed in school with nina until… 12:30 or so.

Went to SM — ate again. Went home.

Wrote this entry.

The End.

Living this day entirely on adrenaline Thursday, Oct 18 2007 

It’s nothing much of a diffeent day really. Haha… I’m officially writing on a blog, which is nice [I guess]. Anyway… Today was another day in the life of this pessimist.

I woke up, got dressed, nearly killed my sister for almost making me get late again… Went in the classroom… greeted Gie who let me borrow her book “Diary” by Chuck Palahniuk.

Chem was first period. A memory game… with my “Chem. Varsity” mates… Nothing went into my head. English… hahahaha, I got a sixteen out of fifteen in that quiz. I didn’t study. Discussed the usual stuff, and that obnoxious homework.

Come recess, I tried to read that book, only to be distracted by the smell of FOOD. Filipino time, tripping session, nothing also went into my head. Computer — PT… haha, I didn’t study and it landed me with a near-above-average-mediocre-work. Who cares, anyway?

 Lunch, APAC meeting — got an XL sized shirt… laughing at the thought that the Large my “SPBF” (Self-proclaimed Best Friend) would just barely fit him. Anyway, I stayed with “her” allthroughout lunch, trying to read the same book  — a funny thing about a boar and a hog.

 Come math time, I was completely delusional. I think that we were discussing the pythagorean theorem… SW tomorrow — better light up some candles in church tomorrow morning.

Research time — completely a BLUR. Gosh… I kept on answering her questions… I mean, It’s not my fault that I have answers to her questions… and then a bloody homework.

RHGP rocked out — 6 legged race rocked. We got 5th place… haha (out of 5, by the way).

Went to SM to buy HE stuff… and got my waiver FINALLY photocopied.

Went home.

I feel tired. I feel wasted. I haven’t slept more over 4 hours over the past 2 days. GOD

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Random-ness is much appreciated.

I’m angry at a certain someone today. That person’s a “he.” [hahaha]

I guess that’s it.

Amici